Waiting: Impatience and Negative Pregnancy Tests

 

***Please know that this is only to share what God is teaching me through MY story. In no way am I judging anyone who has gone through the painful task of fertility treatments, or has decided to adopt. I fully believe God definitely works through these ways as well – any child, no matter how they were conceived, is ABSOLUTELY a gift from Him***

I waited impatiently, mostly nervous, and a little excited, for the double pink lines to appear in the tiny window on the take-home, plastic pregnancy test.

One line slowly got darker. And I waited.

Was that a second line? Or was I seeing things? Waiting, waiting.

Nope, just one. I tossed the test into the trash and told my husband the news, “no baby.”

The negative test and the feeling of disappointment were not new to us. For a year, negative tests had been part of our lives. Each month our hope and excitement became less and less before test-taking time, because we started to expect the outcome: no.

Maybe we weren’t ready, we told ourselves. Maybe it wasn’t our time. Maybe something was wrong. Maybe we should adopt.

The truth was, God had a different plan.

I heard a woman say once that she had big plans for her life. She planned for her and her husband to have several children, that would fill their very large house. She became insistent on having a child, and when it didn’t work for several years, she decided fertility treatments were the next step. At some point, a friend of hers said, “why are you trying to take God’s place in this? He is the giver of life.”

Through all of our negative tests, concern, and disappointment, I’ve come to see those words as incredibly true. If you believe that God is the giver of life, which I do. And you believe that God has a plan for everyone’s life, which I do. Then shouldn’t you also believe that you can’t speed up or force anything to happen if it isn’t part of His plan? Shouldn’t we also then believe that when we finally do get pregnant, it’s His timing, so no matter what we do, it will happen when He wants it to?

Think of all of the women in the Bible who prayed for children, or became pregnant when they weren’t planning. Sarah became pregnant with Isaac at the “very time God had promised” (Genesis 21:2). When Sarah was told by three men (God in disguise) that she would have a son, she laughed. She thought it was impossible because she and Abraham were too old. But God had plans for Isaac, and he proved that age couldn’t stop that plan.

Mary was visited by an angel (Luke chapter 1) and was told that she would carry the Son of God. It was physically impossible that she be pregnant because she was a virgin, and yet God made it happen in His time because He had great plans for Jesus.

Even Mary’s cousin Elizabeth who had prayed for a child for many years, and “was not able to conceive” (Luke 1:7), became pregnant. An angel visited her husband Zechariah to tell him the news, that John would be their baby’s name and he would be “filled with the Holy Spirit even before he is born” (Luke 1:15). God had a plan for John, who would later be known as John the Baptist, he paved the way for Jesus.

Noticing a pattern? No, it’s not that they were all told by angels – that would be so much more exciting than peeing on a plastic stick though, wouldn’t it?! Can you imagine that? How awesome!

No, the pattern here is that God had plans for each of the CHILDREN. And in each story, all three were unable to have children (or shouldn’t have, in Mary’s case). There are many stories throughout the Bible of God intervening to prevent pregnancies, or to create them, all to fulfill His plans. It’s not ever really about what we want, and especially not about when we want it. It is always about what God knows is best for us, and waiting for His perfect timing.

That pregnancy test I threw in the trash? It turned out to be positive. I went to empty the can the next morning, and there were two dark pink lines. My initial reaction was complete shock, and my second was, “really God? NOW is the best time?” All of that time waiting and waiting, and here I was questioning God when it finally happened. Why? Because I thought I knew best – that I knew myself better than God did. But now I know, without a doubt, that this time was the perfect time because he has plans for our son.

And so, we will wait for God’s perfect timing to bring Gabriel a sibling, if He chooses to do so 😉

 

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” -Proverbs 16:9

 

 

 

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